Move over Ed Wood! Bill's picks for the 10 Worst Films Ever Made

1. Dirty Love (2005)

The worst film I've ever seen and definitive proof that Jenny McCarthy should never be allowed within the vicinity of a typewriter (or Microsoft Word) ever again. She wrote this alleged romantic comedy and it was directed by her then-husband John Asher. Both have since split up, making me wonder which one listed Dirty Love as the co-respondent.

The movie itself is an uneasy alliance between romantic comedy and gross-out humor and it fails miserably on both counts. We're treated to such sights as McCarthy menstruating enough for the entire American female population on the floor of a supermarket (oh hilarious) ; a Woody Allen clone barfing on her breasts causing McCarthy to then grab her breasts and shout "They're sacks of meat!"(And silicone. Or saline.), Carmen Electra as a white woman who believes she's black (ho ho) and a man who likes to stick fish up his ass and tell women to Touch My Bass (ha ha). Asher's poor, flat direction doesn't help matters either. Never before has a comedy made me feel so ashamed and unclean and embarrassed to be seen watching it. Do your part. Don't see it. (Blatant Commercial: Check out the blog Thursday for a full review as it will be the Bad Movie of the Week.)


2. Dracula vs Frankenstein (1971)

Ed Wood is often called the Worst Director of All Time, but I have a feeling that those who have made such a claim have never seen an Al Adamson film. Adamson made a string of grade zilch horror and drive-in flicks but with a difference- his films MADE MONEY. Which brings us here to the worst film of his canon. Despite the title- the two characters don't confront each other until the last five minutes. Dracula looks like a Jerry Seinfeld clone gone seriously wrong, Frankenstein has a face that looks like a bunch of kindergarteners mashed Play-Doh onto it and let us not forget that this crud marks the final screen appearance of legendary character actors Lon Chaney Jr and J. Carrol Naish, who must of needed the money badly enough to appear in this mess. Oh and there's Russ Tamblyn and his biker gang- leftover from when this film was originally intended as a sequel to Adamson's awful biker epic Satan's Sadists. And did I forget to mention this movie makes absolutely no sense whatsoever?


3. I Spit on Your Grave (1980; reissue of 1978's Day of the Woman)

Depraved, misogynistic trash masquerading as a feminist statement. It claims to be anti-rape, but it wallows in three of the most disgusting, unclean and disgraceful rape scenes ever filmed. I agree that women have rights, should be respected and should defend said rights vigorously, but this movie reduces to those sentiments to slasher film mentality. The revenge scenes, in which the victim gets her vengeance against the men who violated her, are just an excuse for the Karo corn syrup and food coloring industry to make a killing at the stock market, not to mention to provide those who like excessive gore to get their jollies off. This movie deserves to be spat on.




4. Tomcats (2001)

Speaking of misogynistic junk, this alleged romantic comedy was made by morons for morons. The women in this picture are either a) bitches, b) shameless tramps, c) clueless sex objects or d) all of the above. The men don't fare much better, as if you were an alien being from another planet and got a hold of this film, you'd believe that all men are commitment-shy jerks who think only with their peckers. It also tries to cash in on the then hot gross-out comedy genre pioneered by the Farrelly Brothers, only without the wit and style they usually bring to the table. This remains the sole film directed by screenwriter Gregory Poirier and let's hope it stays that way. This is one cat that should have been neutered.




5. The Cocaine Fiends (1935)


Of the many anti-drug movies of the 1930's, this may be the absolute pits of the genre. It doesn't even have unintentional comedy to carry it through. A young woman is initiated into cocaine by a shyster who claims that it's a headache powder that'll make her migraine go away. Unfortunately, while hers went away, mine was only just beginning. To save money, producer Willis Kent took his 1928 cocaine silent The Pace That Kills and just added newly shot footage to augment what remained after recutting it for the sound era. The result is a jumbled mess.





6. Invasion of the Star Creatures (1962)

Actor Jonathan Haze (the original Seymour in the first film version of Little Shop of Horrors) scripted this black comedy/sci-fi horror film as a vehicle for himself and Dick Miller, but American International Pictures decided to jettison Haze and Miller in favor of making the film a vehicle for their latest acquisition: the "comedy" team of Bob Ball and Frankie Ray. The result: an absolute disaster, even by AIP standards. Haze was a capable comedic actor and Miller had a gift for deadpan, dry wit, which was a big reason why Little Shop came off so well. Ball and Ray are completely devoid of any comedic skills. The creatures are your usual standard Z-movie hokum, but director Bruno De Vota decided to play this material completely straight. If only Roger Corman had directed this film- at least he'd have played it tongue in cheek.



7. Cannonball Run II (1984)

Oh, joy..just what we wanted. Burt Reynolds in yet another spot the star, Good Ol' Racer movie.
The movie has no respect for the audience (did they really think that we'd believe 50 year old Shirley MacLaine as a twentysomething nun?), the script seems like the by-product of a week straight drinking binge and even worse- it's not at all funny. Cars speeding and crashing AREN'T funny. Repeat- AREN'T funny. And did I mention that the filmmakers were so cheap that the cross-country race portion of the film is done in hokey, stiff animation?








8. Trading Mom (1994)

If you're wondering HOW THE HELL a Sissy Spacek picture could possibly end up on this list, then you obviously haven't seen this miserable, unfunny comedy that gives family films a bad name. Filmed in 1990 but on the shelf for five years, the premise seems promising enough: three kids tired of their overbearing mother decide to trade her in for another at a Mommy Market. The only problem is that it's beyond amateurish and badly acted. Spacek has four roles- all of them terrible. I never thought Sissy could be awful but you learn something new each day. You know you're in serious trouble when pro wrestler Andre the Giant gives the best performance....





9. The Viking Women and The Sea Serpent (1958)

The worst film Roger Corman ever made- replete with the hokiest looking sea serpent this side of Ed Wood. Corman himself says this is his worst effort- an attempt to make a fancy special effects laden action epic on a $70,000 budget. He says in his autobiography that he should have known better. Indeed. Corman knew how to spend money and make the most out of even the most meager budget but here he was in way over his head. His inability to shoot process is hampered by shoody effects and wooden acting. Hell, the boat gives the best performance in the picture!




1o. Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla (1952)

Forget his work with Ed Wood- Lugosi was really slumming when me made this alleged comedy about a nightclub song and comedy act (Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo) and their run-ins with a mad scientist experimenting with gorilla-human cross transplants. Few laughs (of the intentional kind), horrific singing (Duke Mitchell's voice cracks when he pathetically attempts to ape Dean Martin) and the nauseating, beyond irritating Sammy Petrillo, who bares an uncanny resemblance to Jerry Lewis. In fact, Lewis took legal action to have all prints of this disaster destroyed. Sadly, he was unsuccessful.